Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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