why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
