Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
