wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
