Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
