i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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