This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
