does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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