Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
