i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
