If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
