just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
