How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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