So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
