I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
