she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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