Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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