He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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