Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
