You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
