For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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