I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
