my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
