I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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