Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
