The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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