Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
