Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
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Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A bitchslap is in order.
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