He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
