So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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