There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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