My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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