soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
