i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
