so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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