Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
