My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize