Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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