Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
