Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
