dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
