You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
