He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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