i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
