Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
