When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
