it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
did i walk over a car last night?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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