apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
