I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
