his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dicks are not precious.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
