What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
