She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
