he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
