you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
