You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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