Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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