Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
